Why do people break up a relationship with no warning?
During my many years as a therapist I have helped numerous clients cope with the sudden break up of their relationship. A sudden end of a relationship, seemingly out of the blue, can leave us feeling devastated, hurt and in emotional turmoil. What did I do wrong? I thought things were fine with us? What could I have done differently? These are common questions that the person who is left to pick up the pieces ruminates over and over in his/her mind.
One of the most common reasons for a sudden breakup, after weeks, months or even years is that the person that takes the decision to end a relationship swiftly and without any reason (such as having an affair), is that that person is an avoidant of love.
Every healthy relationship is based on physical, mental and emotional intimacy. Intimacy is about trust and expressing our true emotions and feelings with one other, sharing our very souls together.
But to an avoidant of love, intimacy can bring about total fear.
This is often due to past experiences and childhood upbringing which result in avoidants associating intimacy with feeling suffocated or stifled and trapped. So although an avoidant likes the thought of a loving and intimate relationship once the love and intimacy start to become real they want to run a mile.
For example, a couple in a long distance relationship are planning to take the next step and move in together. They decide that one of them – in this example the non avoidant – will give up their job, rent their house out and make the move to be with their partner – the avoidant. The wheels for the move are set in motion and then the person making the move begins to notice that his/her partner no longer responds to phone calls or texts, taking longer and longer to reply and sending excuses such as ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t get back to you but was tired’. When they do talk, the love avoidant seems cold and distant, almost disinterested. The avoidant is building up barriers to the other person so that person reacts by holding back on the move, feeling insecure and worried about the change in behaviour of their loved one.
This pattern continues until the love avoidant ends the relationship, blaming their partner for ‘not loving me enough otherwise you would have been more proactive with moving in with me.’ This is a very typical scenario.
What have I done wrong?
It is very easy to blame ourselves when the other person starts to behave differently towards us. These feelings of blame and lack of self-worth can exist long after the relationship has ended and the fact that there may not have been any real closure to the relationship can further exacerbate these negative emotions and the thoughts surrounding them.
How I help clients cope with a sudden relationship breakup
There are several effective strategies that I integrate within therapy sessions in order to help clients let go of sudden breakups:
1. Learning to let go of the need to go over the breakup
It is vital that the person who has been hurt understands that they cannot control how the other person acts or reacts in a relationship. Using hypnotherapy we focus on getting the client to understand that they don’t have to blame themselves, that avoidants of love and intimacy behave in this way and that because of this, that person was never suitable for a long term relationship.
2. Living in the present moment
Rather than focussing on the hurt of the past we shift the mindset to start to enjoy each present moment instead. This can be difficult at first but gradually we can move away from that bad episode in our life. What has happened in the past has happened and we have no control over this, but we can certainly focus on the present and try to embrace each moment. Self hypnosis is a meditative state where focus and concentration on the right things can be developed and nurtured.
3. Letting go of negative thoughts
Lifting negative thoughts by being consciously aware of these when they arise and replacing them with positive thoughts instead can be effective in promoting confidence and self-esteem within us as we begin to accept that we are worthy of meeting someone else who is more suitable for us.
4. Opening up to a positive future
Powerful mental rehearsal techniques through the use of self-hypnosis can open us up to experiences that will enhance positivity within us. Often I guide a client towards imagining themselves in a future where they are confident and feel self-worth, a future where they are with someone who supports and loves them fully. We work on making these experiences as real as we can so that the client can enjoy the positive feelings and sensations that this brings. This in turn primes the mind to start its quest for getting the client this future. Whatever we focus our minds upon we can achieve!
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